So, I realized I have not had the chance to talk about two major aspects of culture here that are important pieces in understanding the larger society. I have definitely referenced them once or twice, but I think it's worth taking some time to explore them more deeply. First of all, dating (aka love) and second, death (which here can be thought of as war, but we will get to that...). And they are more interrelated than you might think. This will be a two part series, starting with dating. My disclaimer is that these are both things that I am still constantly learning about, so this is just my perspective up until this point, two months in. (Can you believe it?! Two months?!)
I have definitely discussed some of the ins and outs of dating and relationships here, even from the beginning, with TK and his family situation, and then some of my personal experiences, such as at the umemulo, as well as some references in my "You know you live in Africa when..." series. It is important to note that dating is handled differently in different environments, between rural, town, and city, and among the different socioeconomic classes as well, which makes sense. We have these same discrepancies in our own culture. I am lucky enough to get a little taste of everything, with a lot of my friends from work having grown up in more urban areas and are pretty highly educated (nurses, social workers, etc) and then we work with populations, with whom we have discussions about relationships, sex, etc, that are very rural and often have limited education, providing another perspective.
The basics: Being in a relationship is standard. The idea of Tim and I not being in a relationship is mind boggling. "You mean, you don't have someone waiting for you at home?" Nope. Tim and I have talked a lot about this and we have decided it's related to people always needing to have companionship. They always keep themselves surrounded by people. We think that this is somehow related to mortality issues, which will be discussed in the next part of the series. See?! Already interconnected. The concept of being alone is pretty frightening to them. Like they were so concerned about me living here without Tim the first week, or when he's away for a bit. Yes, it's partly about safety, but they always also ask "Aren't you lonely?". Like they don't understand why we would ever seek out time alone, they don't see the value in this. It explains a lot of why they feel so comfortable dropping in and staying awhile, which caught me off guard at first, but now I understand it's the thought of "Why wouldn't you want more people around you?". I'm trying to teach them that dogs are a great replacement for people when dealing with loneliness but it's a hard sell. Dogs are animals here pretty much. :) Anyway, a significant other is pretty much a perma-companion. Part of the commitment is always being there when you need them, so a nice safety net. Brings a sense of comfort.
Now, let us remember that the whole time that these people were assuming that Tim and I had significant others/were having a hard time grasping the fact we didn't, they continued to try and set us up. Because why not get some while you're here, and then you still have that guy waiting for you back home? That brings us to the second point, cheating is standard. This is especially true for men, but I see it with women as well. So, basically, you have this significant other you are committed to, but you go out and sleep with/lead relationships with other people. These other people can be one night stands or regular things, often old flames, that can either know that they are playing second fiddle or are also given the title "girlfriend". Now, they are not shy about this, except around their significant other. Like they don't really try and hide the affair from others. Bringing other girls around their friends, etc. Like I made the major mistake at our first party of meeting a girl that was being affectionate with a friend of mine who I knew to have a girlfriend and saying: "Oh! You must be (fill in the blank)'s girlfriend!". Nope. Oops. She laughed, "No, no, I'm his 'good friend'. " Aaaah. Gotcha. And I'm sitting there looking around at everybody, noting all of our friends, and how I've seen them greet his girlfriend and be friendly with her, like they are all buddies. But, they don't say a word. This is totally kosher. No big deal. And these friends aren't all other guys. It's girls, too. It's not just a boys club thing. It's an everybody thing. Tim has some pretty funny stories with this guy too, like picking up ex-girlfriends, going out to drinks under the guise of being with Tim, make-out sessions with said ex-girlfriend in the back of the car while Tim's driving. Oh dear. And it's not just him. It's all of them. I was asking about another friend's girlfriend to one of our mutual female friends and she was like, "I don't know her that well. But, I know his SECOND girlfriend pretty well, and she's cool." Cool. Awesome. And he's supposed to be the sweet one.
From the female perspective, you have guys hitting on you left and right, even when you blatantly know they have a girlfriend. "But, you have a girlfriend?" "So? I want to make you feel good." Ummmm... No. Oh, and if they say they don't have a girlfriend, they probably do. They all have girlfriends. But, doesn't stop from them from trying. Gotta give them props for their persistence.
So, the women don't know, but they know, you know what I mean? Like it's obvious that this is what men do, because they don't hide it and it's in front of our faces all the time. But, guys go through leaps and bounds to hide it from whatever woman/en they are particularly committed to at the time. And it appears that they believe it, to a point, because they stay with these guys. So, when you are talking to women about relationships in general and how it all works, they all very nonchalantly talk about how everybody cheats and its the norm, blah blah blah, nothing new and exciting, no big deal. And when we are around guys, even our friends, and they are with girls who are obviously not their girlfriends, and I'll say, "Ummmm... that's not his girlfriend?", (Which, btw, I don't do anymore, quickly learned that, like within a week) I usually get in reply: "Yeah. Uh huh.", barely an acknowledgment, at the most, an eye roll towards the guy. Like, yeah, whatever, his problem. Apparently it is all explained by men's abundance of sexual needs and lack of control. Like there is nothing we can do about that, it is what it is. So, we know about it, and apparently accept it at some level, at least in the big picture. But, then when it affects you personally, and perhaps a close friend or relative, then it hurts. Then there is sadness and anger. And it isn't pretty. Trust me.
It's funny. At first, I envied them. How they all were like, "Yeah, they cheat, no big deal. They're pigs and we deal with their shit". I was like, power to ya! Don't let them get you down! Yes, sure, accepting it is not the best strategy, but in a society where men are often essential for economic reasons, I respected that these women didn't take this male behavior personally, as a reflection of themselves, but rather it was just what men did, part of their make-up. They had nothing to do with it, and could do nothing about it. But, then I realized, after pursuing personal stories rather than just big picture attitudes, that they do REALLY care and are VERY hurt by it. I'm not sure if it's a belief that they can change him or that this one is different. I'm still trying to understand that aspect. But, I can tell you, they believe their man is not cheating on them like the rest of them, and when they find out otherwise, they are devastated, heartbroken. Kind of an f-ed up cycle.
Now, Tim and I feel like we have found an obvious solution to all of this. Of course! It's so simple! They just need to learn how to date. :) It astounds them that Tim and I have been with people that have not been part of committed relationships. Like you can be seeing multiple people at once and it's not cheating. No! What?! Crazy talk. Oh, but yes, it's true. But, how does it work? They key is that you and the other people you are seeing have agreed that you can both be seeing other people. Wait, what? This seems like a ridiculous concept to them and they still don't understand how this isn't cheating. I'm telling you, this is the solution to all their problems, and would bring more equality into the mix and let more women get out there more. Ok, so it's obviously not that simple, but it's an idea. As mentioned above, they are very attached to this idea of having a COMMITTED relationship. I think it holds a sense of safety for them. Being single is scary, scary stuff. I mean, who wants to be single and alone?
Another option that I've observed a lot of more educated women have been opting for is sleeping with other women. It's a trend I associate with them just being fed-up with the male machismo here. They realize they are better than that and deserve more, so they go out and find more, with a female partner in a similar situation, creating a loving relationship with equality. Though I will give the disclaimer that they are not immune to infidelity either. Homosexuality is an interesting topic here, with some of the most liberal legislation in the world concerning homosexuality but accompanied by the awful stigma associated with a traditional, religious, and uneducated society. I've had the privilege of getting to know some of these ladies and hanging out with them and have learned a lot. I think it is worthy of its own post. In due time. Especially since I've said so much here already. Eish. Maybe this will be a multi-part series? Cause there is still so much to talk about dating, including how children and marriage fit into all of this.
I will leave you with one anecdote, part of my inspiration for this piece:
So Tim and I have started playing tennis with some of our co-workers (details in another post, I promise). My first day out I was partnered with our friend Musa. We had a good set and he was very excited and was telling everyone how I would from now on always be his partner. Forever and ever. Always. Every time. The next week, he didn't show. And our co-worker Johnathan was laughing and laughing, being like, "Remember how just like week he was saying he would always be your partner? And where is he now?" To which I responded, "Well, Johnathan, isn't that just like a South African man? Promising to be there always and forever and then he doesn't show up?". His wife started hysterically laughing. :)
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