Went to my GP's today (previous appointment was cancelled) for the results of the scan I had. As far as the high liver readings he seemed none the wiser so another blood test next week to see if the reading has changed. He did say I had some fatty deposits in my liver but that was pretty common and may but probably not the cause of the high reading. I do however have some gallstones. I asked if that may have been what caused the terrible pain I had (when ever it was) last year and he said it probably was. Of course at the time when I was in real pain the doctors I saw on each occasion putting it down to anxiety causing tense stomach and bowel muscles. Which basically boiled down to they did not believe how much pain I was in which is pretty normal when you have been tarred with the mental illness brush. If the stones dont cause any more or much problem then the GP said to just leave it alone.
I also saw my pdoc who put my Venlafaxine up to 150mg. Not that my GP seemed very happy about it with a subtle tut and roll of the eyes.
I am worried about my dad who has been really ill the last week or so. He has been having lots of tests which have either fine or still waiting for the results. He looks terrible and at times can hardly stand up he is so drained. Of course my mum keeps telling me how bad he is and how she things he has something really bad. I am worried enough as it is with out her listing every illness and disease known to man.
SI Comments
The other day I was at my parents and sister #2 was there as well and it was pretty warm. I tried to cope with it but I was just to hot and had to take my jacket off and so my arms were showing. My sister had already warned my mum about scars and not to say anything to me. I did catch my sister looking although I never said I had noticed. I did not see either of my parents look so fair play on that. However my sister did say both my mum and dad had said to her about it and were upset and shocked. Not that it stopped my mum from piling the pressure and stress on me though.
As for H I has a message on the answer phone (as I never picked up the call) asking to change the appointment time and to meet at my house. I was not keen on going anyway and meeting at mine probably meant another 'event' had been planned. I had no money anyway if we were going to get a bus again. Three quid the week before and even £2 for the bus and thats a fiver which is a lot of money to me. Anyway I was not keen on being caught again like last time so I did never called back and have avoided calls since. I know it a sucky, wimpy way of doing it and something I would be pissed about if the boot was on the other foot. Now I am in no mans land too embarrassed and anxious to call and too embarrassed not to call. Unfortunately the anxious wins.
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Feeling low
After the last post my physical and mental situation did not improve and on seeing my pdoc and another set of blood test results he decided to put me back on a low dose of Venlafaxine. The results for the liver function test were no better (actually a bit higher) and that suggested that it was not the meds causing the odd result. Within a couple of days the feeling of nausea, the tears every evening and the bad stomach each day went. The itching / crawling sensation got better but I still get sometimes. Physically that's a lot better and mentally a bit better. Although its better to not be in tears every night I have always found (from both times going on it) that Venlafaxine seems to stop me being able to cry. Sometimes feeling I am going to be in tears, having the sensation I'm going to but not being able to can be difficult too. Its the lesser of two evils though.
The stopping and partial restarting the meds screwed up my warfarin levels. After four blood tests in 10 days its levelled out again thankfully and I can go two weeks before my next test.
I had my liver scan at the local hospital and the person that did it was really nice. I went it straight away and was out before my appointment was about to start. That was on a Wednesday and my GP sent out a letter on the Friday asking me to make an appointment to see him. Of course the next routine appointment was two weeks later. Originally he had said he would only contact me if there was something found in the scan so going by that statement something must have been found. Then again it could be that nothing was found so he is going to refer me to someone else to see if they can work out whats causing the high readings.
As for the weekly appointment with H.... I definitely feel after today that I am starting to get that want/desire to push them away. Actually seeing her may be 8 - 10 times with out falling out is quite a record for me. I just don't get on with people and the tiniest things reverberate (good word) in my mind till I either dislike or hate them. I don't really feel its of any use anyway as she (the others that work there too) are not professionals. I expect they have some NVQ bits of paper but not real mental health qualifications. Is like going to a first aider and asking them to sew back on your arm you just chopped of with a chainsaw. For instance last week we 'dealt' with self harm by reading through a booklet for half an hour. This week it was removed from the care plan as it was now complete. Am I being too dramatic in thinking its more complicated than that?
Last week she said she would meet me at my place rather than at the organisations office. I did warn her about how overly friendly Lucy was but she said she liked dogs and it would be fine. We also discussed that planning some events in advance was difficult because it means I send a week worrying about it. So I thought we agreed to meet each time and discuss what we were going to do at the start of the session and then do it. I am now kicking myself for not seeing a link between the two, I let my guard down. A perfect example of how my thoughts are pecieved as paranoid, everyones not out to get you, dont over analyse... and so on. I took this at face value, may be as far as being on trust.
So as I have said before my place is a real mess and so I spent the majority of three days getting the things cleaned or hiding things in cupboards and in the bedroom. She knocks on the door and I answer it holding Lucy who is going crazy with excitement and say come in. Her reply was no we are going on a bus into town, to a cafe, filling in a new care plan and getting the bus back, get your coat. I was pissed off because we agreed to talk about it not just be told, that I had to get Lucy to settle and go from super excited to being left which she hates. That it was not contemplated if I actually had any money to do it anyway. Thankfully I had some change which is unusual otherwise that would have been so embarrassing. To top it off we missed the bus back and spent an hour sat waiting for the next bus in the cold. I wanted to walk as its only 25 minutes but it fell on deaf ears.
What she did not get in her you went on the bus well done (and seemingly no thought to how I felt going into a cafe) was that I had a factor that over rode the anxiety. This I have spoken about before and that is anger. Today proved again that anger is a very effective anti anxiety system. That I let my guard down slightly and that serves as a warning to me.
The stopping and partial restarting the meds screwed up my warfarin levels. After four blood tests in 10 days its levelled out again thankfully and I can go two weeks before my next test.
I had my liver scan at the local hospital and the person that did it was really nice. I went it straight away and was out before my appointment was about to start. That was on a Wednesday and my GP sent out a letter on the Friday asking me to make an appointment to see him. Of course the next routine appointment was two weeks later. Originally he had said he would only contact me if there was something found in the scan so going by that statement something must have been found. Then again it could be that nothing was found so he is going to refer me to someone else to see if they can work out whats causing the high readings.
As for the weekly appointment with H.... I definitely feel after today that I am starting to get that want/desire to push them away. Actually seeing her may be 8 - 10 times with out falling out is quite a record for me. I just don't get on with people and the tiniest things reverberate (good word) in my mind till I either dislike or hate them. I don't really feel its of any use anyway as she (the others that work there too) are not professionals. I expect they have some NVQ bits of paper but not real mental health qualifications. Is like going to a first aider and asking them to sew back on your arm you just chopped of with a chainsaw. For instance last week we 'dealt' with self harm by reading through a booklet for half an hour. This week it was removed from the care plan as it was now complete. Am I being too dramatic in thinking its more complicated than that?
Last week she said she would meet me at my place rather than at the organisations office. I did warn her about how overly friendly Lucy was but she said she liked dogs and it would be fine. We also discussed that planning some events in advance was difficult because it means I send a week worrying about it. So I thought we agreed to meet each time and discuss what we were going to do at the start of the session and then do it. I am now kicking myself for not seeing a link between the two, I let my guard down. A perfect example of how my thoughts are pecieved as paranoid, everyones not out to get you, dont over analyse... and so on. I took this at face value, may be as far as being on trust.
So as I have said before my place is a real mess and so I spent the majority of three days getting the things cleaned or hiding things in cupboards and in the bedroom. She knocks on the door and I answer it holding Lucy who is going crazy with excitement and say come in. Her reply was no we are going on a bus into town, to a cafe, filling in a new care plan and getting the bus back, get your coat. I was pissed off because we agreed to talk about it not just be told, that I had to get Lucy to settle and go from super excited to being left which she hates. That it was not contemplated if I actually had any money to do it anyway. Thankfully I had some change which is unusual otherwise that would have been so embarrassing. To top it off we missed the bus back and spent an hour sat waiting for the next bus in the cold. I wanted to walk as its only 25 minutes but it fell on deaf ears.
What she did not get in her you went on the bus well done (and seemingly no thought to how I felt going into a cafe) was that I had a factor that over rode the anxiety. This I have spoken about before and that is anger. Today proved again that anger is a very effective anti anxiety system. That I let my guard down slightly and that serves as a warning to me.
Friday, 15 February 2008
Coming off meds is hell
Since my last post I have finished taking the Venlafaxine, Reboxetine and Buspirone as instructed and it has been and continues to be hellish. I read in plenty of forums in the past that Venlafaxine can be a bitch to stop, whether its that one in particular or the added ones as well I dont know but I have taken a big step backwards.
Physically there have been lots of things such as swinging from sweating to shivering and a bit of both at the same time. I know I tremble anyway when outside but I have been a lot when on my own too. Trouble focusing my eyes, the feeling of the inside of my head spinning. I feel real itchy like are insects crawling all over me especially at night. I have had some very strange dreams and waking not knowing what was real and what was a dream. Sleeping is all over the place despite still on the sleeping tablets. Lots of headaches and feeling nauseous.
Mentally I have been angry and overly emotional. Its been a while since I had tearful moments but the last few days I have broken into tears many times. Even watching anything on TV has reduced me to tears on numerous occasions even a comedy and they were not tears of laughter. I have felt many of those feelings flood back that the meds helped to hold back or at least dampen down.
I saw my GP regarding those liver function tests and he is sending me for a scan which shockingly I had an appointment letter for two days later. Its actually on March 5th. He seems convinced the results from it will be fine. He gave me another lecture about the fact he believes the pdocs have got me on too many meds and part of me is wondering if he is not using this liver thing to get his own way. I do feel like I am stuck in the middle of his pissing contest with the day hospital. If he has issue with the pdocs why keep telling me, speak to them about it!
I also saw my pdoc very briefly and (the one highlight of the week) a student doctor was there to observe and she was gorgeous! Anyway he was not happy about my condition and how I am mentally. However his hands were tied until this liver issue is resolved. He said that he 'hoped' the lithium would stop my decline any further and to see him in a weeks time. He asked if I would be alright in that week to which I asked if I had any choice, the lack of response spoke volumes. I may be reading it wrong but he did not seem terribly impressed about the letter I had from my previous pdoc (one of his team) about stopping those other meds. If I was feeling stronger I would have pressed him on it, why it was contrary to the previous arrangement and how I was not happy it was done via letter. As always I have a couple of theories one being the previous pdoc knew about this liver thing nine months ago but ignored it so may be he now wants to look proactive in case something is actually wrong and he neglected it all that time. The second is he is pissed that I changed from seeing him to the consultant pdoc instead. Whatever way I look at it I feel like I have had three doctors all saying different things over the space of a couple of weeks.
I was feeling too ill to go to the support service on Wednesday, which is kind of ironic really. From now on I will just go by H in reference to the person I have been seeing. Not as her name in any way shape or form starts with a H or even has a H in it so a good alias. Anyway she phones today to see how I was and make an appointment which is the week after next. I dont answer the phone unless I know who it is (God bless caller id). To be honest what I said is a bit of a blur except I wanted to say liver anomaly and it kept coming out as anonymous so feeling very embarrassed about and not happy that I have managed to demonstrate I am a complete twat or rather further impress on her my twatishness.
I filled in the forms that I got for my referral to the psychologist. Dragging out things sucks at the best of times and I filled most of it in while being in tears.
God this itchy crawling is driving me insane or should that be insaner?
Physically there have been lots of things such as swinging from sweating to shivering and a bit of both at the same time. I know I tremble anyway when outside but I have been a lot when on my own too. Trouble focusing my eyes, the feeling of the inside of my head spinning. I feel real itchy like are insects crawling all over me especially at night. I have had some very strange dreams and waking not knowing what was real and what was a dream. Sleeping is all over the place despite still on the sleeping tablets. Lots of headaches and feeling nauseous.
Mentally I have been angry and overly emotional. Its been a while since I had tearful moments but the last few days I have broken into tears many times. Even watching anything on TV has reduced me to tears on numerous occasions even a comedy and they were not tears of laughter. I have felt many of those feelings flood back that the meds helped to hold back or at least dampen down.
I saw my GP regarding those liver function tests and he is sending me for a scan which shockingly I had an appointment letter for two days later. Its actually on March 5th. He seems convinced the results from it will be fine. He gave me another lecture about the fact he believes the pdocs have got me on too many meds and part of me is wondering if he is not using this liver thing to get his own way. I do feel like I am stuck in the middle of his pissing contest with the day hospital. If he has issue with the pdocs why keep telling me, speak to them about it!
I also saw my pdoc very briefly and (the one highlight of the week) a student doctor was there to observe and she was gorgeous! Anyway he was not happy about my condition and how I am mentally. However his hands were tied until this liver issue is resolved. He said that he 'hoped' the lithium would stop my decline any further and to see him in a weeks time. He asked if I would be alright in that week to which I asked if I had any choice, the lack of response spoke volumes. I may be reading it wrong but he did not seem terribly impressed about the letter I had from my previous pdoc (one of his team) about stopping those other meds. If I was feeling stronger I would have pressed him on it, why it was contrary to the previous arrangement and how I was not happy it was done via letter. As always I have a couple of theories one being the previous pdoc knew about this liver thing nine months ago but ignored it so may be he now wants to look proactive in case something is actually wrong and he neglected it all that time. The second is he is pissed that I changed from seeing him to the consultant pdoc instead. Whatever way I look at it I feel like I have had three doctors all saying different things over the space of a couple of weeks.
I was feeling too ill to go to the support service on Wednesday, which is kind of ironic really. From now on I will just go by H in reference to the person I have been seeing. Not as her name in any way shape or form starts with a H or even has a H in it so a good alias. Anyway she phones today to see how I was and make an appointment which is the week after next. I dont answer the phone unless I know who it is (God bless caller id). To be honest what I said is a bit of a blur except I wanted to say liver anomaly and it kept coming out as anonymous so feeling very embarrassed about and not happy that I have managed to demonstrate I am a complete twat or rather further impress on her my twatishness.
I filled in the forms that I got for my referral to the psychologist. Dragging out things sucks at the best of times and I filled most of it in while being in tears.
God this itchy crawling is driving me insane or should that be insaner?
Saturday, 9 February 2008
Yet another catch up post
I was pretty shocked to see how long its been since my last post. I suppose each day and week does not have any reason to stand out from each other, just another day just like any other day.
I started to attend a support service (charity run) for mental health suffers. I started off seeing two staff members which I found off putting but now they are busier it just the one member now. That is better for me; even more so as I did not like him much anyway. A decision I arrived at within about five seconds on my first appointment.
Amazingly I got a letter to say I had been referred to a psychologist. It was over 4 years, (yes four years) that it was first suggested and finally I am now going to be ..... on the waiting list! I can only assume that you dont get on the waiting list till they have decided that they might be able to fit you in. I suppose actually being on the waiting list does mean I now exist and not just one of the unspoken about people whom no-one wants to admit exists.
On the psychiatrist and meds front things have altered dramatically. The nurse added on a liver function test onto the blood test when I had my first Lithium check. (I may have already said that). Anyway it highlighted that high reading for one of the liver things that was first noticed last year. My GP and pdoc finally had a chat (something like 9 months later) and decided I need to come of the Venlafaxine fast. So now dropping every two weeks from 225mg - 150 - 75 - 0. My doc gave me another bloodtest and wanted to see me a week later for the results and monitor my first drop of the Venlafaxine. However my appointment was canceled for a month.
I got a letter today (actually from my previous pdoc) saying the ALT AND Gamma GT results of the liver function test is 'somewhat high' and to stop the Reboxitine and Buspirone as well. Holy crap thats stopping three meds in one go and I feel ill enough with the reduction of the first.
I also got a letter from my GP telling me to go and see him with regard to bloodtest tesults so I assume its again the LFT.
My main annoyance is this was noted all those months ago and forgotten about and now its been highlighted (and only because the nurse added LFT to the first lithium test as she said they may as well check everything. It was the nurses decision not the pdocs) its now stop all these tablets quickly. I could have had nine months to wean myself off them one by one.
Thats it really got that off my chest. Well my head is hurting badly so I will close here.
I started to attend a support service (charity run) for mental health suffers. I started off seeing two staff members which I found off putting but now they are busier it just the one member now. That is better for me; even more so as I did not like him much anyway. A decision I arrived at within about five seconds on my first appointment.
Amazingly I got a letter to say I had been referred to a psychologist. It was over 4 years, (yes four years) that it was first suggested and finally I am now going to be ..... on the waiting list! I can only assume that you dont get on the waiting list till they have decided that they might be able to fit you in. I suppose actually being on the waiting list does mean I now exist and not just one of the unspoken about people whom no-one wants to admit exists.
On the psychiatrist and meds front things have altered dramatically. The nurse added on a liver function test onto the blood test when I had my first Lithium check. (I may have already said that). Anyway it highlighted that high reading for one of the liver things that was first noticed last year. My GP and pdoc finally had a chat (something like 9 months later) and decided I need to come of the Venlafaxine fast. So now dropping every two weeks from 225mg - 150 - 75 - 0. My doc gave me another bloodtest and wanted to see me a week later for the results and monitor my first drop of the Venlafaxine. However my appointment was canceled for a month.
I got a letter today (actually from my previous pdoc) saying the ALT AND Gamma GT results of the liver function test is 'somewhat high' and to stop the Reboxitine and Buspirone as well. Holy crap thats stopping three meds in one go and I feel ill enough with the reduction of the first.
I also got a letter from my GP telling me to go and see him with regard to bloodtest tesults so I assume its again the LFT.
My main annoyance is this was noted all those months ago and forgotten about and now its been highlighted (and only because the nurse added LFT to the first lithium test as she said they may as well check everything. It was the nurses decision not the pdocs) its now stop all these tablets quickly. I could have had nine months to wean myself off them one by one.
Thats it really got that off my chest. Well my head is hurting badly so I will close here.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Hamish is feeling better
Hamish had to have his operation in which they cut open the swelling, drained and cleaned it. They left it open so it could keep draining of blood and puss. They still could not find a cause for the infection though. He went for a check up today but I have not heard how he got on but was a lot better yesterday so he should be alright.
I went to the dentist yesterday and I had chipped another filling but he did it straight away. My dentist is brilliant. I got to see all my teeth and before and after of the chipped filling as he used a camera for the examination. It was a bit disturbing to see the inside of my mouth on a video though. You would not get better treatment going private.
Had my first Lithium blood test today. A bit crazy that I have a warfarin blood test on Friday the person that did it said it would have been more sensible to have it done at the same time. I agreed as I had asked if that is how it could be done but the pdoc said no. My GP is on the other side of the road so you would think they could have worked something out, just seems a waste taking up two appointments.
As I have heard (lostgirl) I have been more thirsty and after walking to the day hospital today my mouth was dry as a bone.
I went to the dentist yesterday and I had chipped another filling but he did it straight away. My dentist is brilliant. I got to see all my teeth and before and after of the chipped filling as he used a camera for the examination. It was a bit disturbing to see the inside of my mouth on a video though. You would not get better treatment going private.
Had my first Lithium blood test today. A bit crazy that I have a warfarin blood test on Friday the person that did it said it would have been more sensible to have it done at the same time. I agreed as I had asked if that is how it could be done but the pdoc said no. My GP is on the other side of the road so you would think they could have worked something out, just seems a waste taking up two appointments.
As I have heard (lostgirl) I have been more thirsty and after walking to the day hospital today my mouth was dry as a bone.
Saturday, 15 December 2007
Hamish
Spoke to my mum tonight and she said her dog, a Westie named Hamish, is not well. She took him to the vet as a big swelling appeared on his head. The vet did not know what it was as there was no marks on the skin. She put a needle in it and used a syringe to draw out the liquid. The stuff that came out proved it was an infection but still no idea why. She said if it had been a bite or wound it would have had an entry point and an abscess would have had a head on it.
He had some pain killers and antibiotics and he is going to have an operation tomorrow, well today now. They will investigate and hopefully sort it all out. Hamish was very good even with the draining with the syringe.
Hope he will be alright I think the world of him.
As for the lithium I have not had any side effects yet but I assume being on a low dose and it still building up I am not likely too. I never told my mum about the new meds. I did say I will have seen the pdoc 3 times in a month and need a bloodtest but she never asked why or how I was. No change there I suppose, ever get the feeling no-one cares?
He had some pain killers and antibiotics and he is going to have an operation tomorrow, well today now. They will investigate and hopefully sort it all out. Hamish was very good even with the draining with the syringe.
Hope he will be alright I think the world of him.
As for the lithium I have not had any side effects yet but I assume being on a low dose and it still building up I am not likely too. I never told my mum about the new meds. I did say I will have seen the pdoc 3 times in a month and need a bloodtest but she never asked why or how I was. No change there I suppose, ever get the feeling no-one cares?
Thursday, 13 December 2007
First dose of Lithium
Went to the pdoc today and he gave me a prescription for Lithium of which I just took the first dose. I have a bloodtest for it next where they will look at increasing it to the range that it does its stuff. Again I saw the other pdoc as I mention in the previous post and I was glad for another reason as my normal pdoc arrived an hour late and those waiting to see him were sent home. That has been a similar scenario on most of the appointments I have had with him in the last 6-9 months.
The tablets are pretty darn big about the size of a refresher (assuming they still make those). I also got a pill box / dosette box as I dont know whether I am coming or going with all these tablets.
Took Wucey out for her walk and it was freezing so she wore her duffel coat and she did look pretty sweet. To any one who ever says shes a cocker spaniel she dont need a coat I say she gets cold because in the winter she sleeps under the quilt with me. She must prefer being warm. Plus it also means she does not get so wet and and muddy which would end up on the sofa or bed. Its also easier to keep her groomed well.
Anyway back to topic I took the first one which is 400mg and I suppose the next will be 800 then see what happens. I am quite glad about the change because previously my pdoc was saying there was nothing more we could do with drugs. His boss who I have now seen was saying there are other options.
Wanted to put a post in yesterday but I forgot I really want to say a few words for someone tomorrow. I cant now as sleeeps have started to take effect and I have got to get ready. If I leave it long I end up waking a few hours later keeled over the computer with no idea of what was happening.
The tablets are pretty darn big about the size of a refresher (assuming they still make those). I also got a pill box / dosette box as I dont know whether I am coming or going with all these tablets.
Took Wucey out for her walk and it was freezing so she wore her duffel coat and she did look pretty sweet. To any one who ever says shes a cocker spaniel she dont need a coat I say she gets cold because in the winter she sleeps under the quilt with me. She must prefer being warm. Plus it also means she does not get so wet and and muddy which would end up on the sofa or bed. Its also easier to keep her groomed well.
Anyway back to topic I took the first one which is 400mg and I suppose the next will be 800 then see what happens. I am quite glad about the change because previously my pdoc was saying there was nothing more we could do with drugs. His boss who I have now seen was saying there are other options.
Wanted to put a post in yesterday but I forgot I really want to say a few words for someone tomorrow. I cant now as sleeeps have started to take effect and I have got to get ready. If I leave it long I end up waking a few hours later keeled over the computer with no idea of what was happening.
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