This weekend Tim and I had our first opporunity to throw a few back with some of our local peers when our lovely coworker and friend Khethiwe (aka KT or Katie) invited us over to chill at her place with some friends and have some beers. It was super fun and everybody was incredibly welcoming and totally stoked on telling us about all the things we had to see and do while in South Africa, which was really cool of them. Once we got past all those formalities, we all started sharing stories and telling jokes, and I must say they had some pretty good ones. Warning: you have to have some sense, though minimal, of the ongoings of African politics for these to make sense. Also, not 100% appropriate.
So, a guy walks into a whorehouse and sits down at the bar. The bouncer watches him start chatting up one of the whores, buys her a drink, the whole nine yards, and then he whispers something in her ear, to which she responds with a slap in the face and says, "That's bloody revolting!" (sorry, have to use their awesome vocabulary to achieve the effect), and walks away. The bouncer then witnesses basically the same sequence with another prostitute, again with him whispering something in her ear, causing her to slap this guy, and walk off shouting "You're bloody disgusting!". So, now, the oldest whore in the place, who has been around the block a more than a few times, and done everyone and everything, has noticed these proceedings. She decides to go up to this guy and give it a whirl, because if there is anybody that is going to be willing to do something that is apparently so vile it was her. The bouncer watches as she approaches the man, and they go through all the formalities, chatting, he buys her a drink, and then he leans in and whispers something in her ear and she pulls back in horror, slaps him, and says "You got to be bloody ridiculous!". Now the bouncer is curious. What could of this guy had said/asked for that even THIS whore found insulting? So, he goes up to her and asks her what had this man said?!, to which she replies, "Can you believe it?! He wanted to pay in Zim dollars!"
Get it?!
So Mugabe dies, twenty years from now of course because you know that bloody bastard is gonna live forever (again gotta keep their tone for full effect :) ). So he arrives at the pearly gaits where St. Peter is waiting for him.
Mugabe: "I'm here to check in."
St. Peter: "Ah, yes, what's the name?"
Mugabe: "Robert Mugabe"
St. Peter: "Ah, yes, of course" He flips through his book, and finds Mugabe's name. Looks up. "As I thought. Just take the elevator right over there. It will take you down. Don't worry, it only goes to one place." Flashes him a quick smile and then turns to the next person in line.
Mugabe has realized his fate now and starts panicking. He gets in the elevator which takes him down to Hell and the Devil is waiting for him when he arrives.
Devil: "Name."
Mugabe: "Robert Mugabe."
Devil: Smirking and rubbing his hands together "Ah, yes, finally. I have been waiting for you. Come this way."
Mugabe: Thoroughly panicking now and trying to plot quickly to find any way out "Uh, actually, I just realized I left my bags up there, you know. Let me go get them and I'll be right back." Attempts to flash a casual smile.
Devil: Gives an evil chuckle. "Haha. No worries. I will just send a couple of my goblins up to get them for you. You come with me." An evil smile crawls across his face and he gets up and leads Mugabe into Hell.
The goblins are less than thrilled about their errand and get into the elevator disgruntled. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is gone and there is a sign saying "Back in ten. Out for tea."
Goblin 1: "Oh great! Of course! Now what do we do?!"
The goblins discuss their options:
Goblin 2: "Well we can't just wait. The Devil will get pissed if we take too long."
Goblin 1: "But, we can't go back with no bags. If we come back without doing what we were told we are in even more trouble."
Goblin 2: "What if we just hop the gates and grab the bags? It will be real quick and for an innocent enough reason. And, plus, God sees all and so will understand why we're doing it."
Goblin 1: "Sounds reasonable. Ups-a-daisy" And they boost and hoist each other over the pearly gates.
St. Peter looks up from tea with his assistant and peers at the gates and sees the goblins scrambing over and says, "Jesus. It hasn't even been 15 minutes and we already have refugees."
Booya!
Ok, hope you get a few chuckles.
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