Ok, first question: How old is Tokozani? Take a wild guess...
Hm? What is that you say?... Nope! Thirty freaking five! They do not age! They look fantastic! And their skin... absolutely beautiful. I'm so jealous.
Anyways, so next, you admire Tokozani's wedding band. How lovely. You wonder what his wife's like.
Then TK asks: "So do you have any kids?"
Me: "Well, no. I probably wouldn't be here if I did, or they would be with me."
TK: "Ah yes, that makes sense. Interesting." (Aka I should of had kids already)
Me: "And you? Do you have any kids?"
TK: "Yes. Five."
Me: "Oooooh! Damn! That's a lot of little munchkins running around. How old are they?"
TK: "The youngest is six, and the eldest is thirteen."
Me: "How many boys and how many girls?"
TK: "One girl, four boys."
Me: "Ooooooh damn again! Four boys?! They must be crazy and running around and causing all sorts of trouble, no?"
TK: "Haha. Yes. It is my strong seed. I brought four boys into the world to carry on the family name. My family was dying out, only two boys in my generation, so I made four. You ask and I deliver."
Me: "Hot damn! And where does the girl fit into all of this?"
TK: "She is the eldest, thirteen."
Me: "Ah, okay, so one girl, and then string of boys. So, wait..." (This is where I'm calculating if he's 35, and his oldest is 13, then... and my social faux pas begins) "... when did you get married, how old were you?"
TK: 31.
Me: "31? So..." (Again I'm calculating, realizing this means none of his children have been born since his marriage) "...did you have your children with your wife before you were married?" (Clearly I'm a little confused. Why this isn't clicking for me, I'm not sure)
TK: "Haha. Nonononono. The first two with one woman, than two with another woman, and then the last one with another woman."
Me: (Nodding like 'that sounds reasonable') "Ok... So is the last one with your wife?"
TK: "Ha. No. No kids with my wife. Yet." (Grins)
Me: "Are you planning on having more kids? Do you want more kids?"
TK: "Yes, we want one more." (Smiling) "Everyday I wake up and wonder, is this the day? Is this the day that I make it happen, that I deliver? Only God knows." (Still grinning, and looking at me as if to say, yeah, that's right, I have sex everyday with my wife, and- if I'm translating this right- it's often wake up sex. We laugh together as if to say- Way to go TK!)
Me: "Ha. Nice! So do they all live with you? That's a lot of people in one house..."
TK: "No. Only the girl. The boys live in town close to their school."
Me: "So when do you see them?"
TK: "On the weekends mainly."
Me: "Ah, okay. And do they see their moms?"
TK: "Yes, yes. I think it is importnat for them to know their mothers as their mothers, and not just my wife."
Me: "So your wife, she helps take care of all of them? Acts kinda of like a mom?"
TK: "Yes, yes, but I want her to have one of her own, you know? To really be a mother, not just helping, one that is hers."
Me: "Ah, yes, that is nice. I think that is a good idea. You are a nice husband for considering her like that. That's very sensitive."
TK: "Well, yes. Could you do me a favor and tell her that? I think she needs to hear it from a woman."
Me: "Tell her what?"
TK: "That we should have a baby." (Grinning)
Me: "Wait, does SHE want to have a baby?"
TK: "Yeah, yeah, she is unsure, but I think we should have a baby." (Ah, the truth comes out...)
Me: "Haha, well, TK, I love you, but it's her choice to have a baby cause she's the one that has to have it!"
TK: "Meh" (Giving me a face all while smiling)
And scene!
I will go more into all the Zulu culture and dynamics that puts this into perspective as the year continues. And honestly, I'm still in the process of learning/trying to understand a lot of it. But the general gist is that this is pretty much the norm. Men with multiple children with multiple women. And it's not like "don't hate the playa', hate the game..", it's everybody. Like TK is an up and coming guy in his community, very well respected, and him having all these kids with all these women doesn't affect how people perceive him, it's just plain normal. Doesn't matter who you are. Aka it doesn't make you a pimp or a player or a mac daddy or a sleaze ball or a whore or any other spin you want to put on it. It's just no big deal. I do have to say that it doesn't work quite the same for women. They lose some of their "value" after having a child, but it's also considered very normal for them to have multiple children with multiple men out of wedlock. Like most of our female staff have children, and most of them are not married, but, on the other side, to counter TK, his wife has no children, with or without him.
Tokozani is considered an anomaly because he did eventually get married. A major barrier to getting married is the bride price or the lobolo, which is honestly unaffordable for many men. So this leads to them having many partners throughout their lives. And there it is, a very norm part of their culture is a very major risk factor for HIV. These sort of associations are not uncommon here and the challenges we face fighting this disease become clearer as I understand the culture more.
Again, I am still learning all of this stuff myself and am just trying to get a grasp on it, but this is the sense I get thus far. I will definitely talk more about the lobolo. I have already started a recon mission about it involving talking to the ladies to get their side of things. I have to send Tim in to get more of the guys side of the story.
And as for TK, I did meet his lovely wife, Gugu. Seriously, I adore her. She is the sweetest woman alive and I want her to adopt me. And we did a little marriage counselling in their living room. TK informed her that I had something to tell her, to which I told her "TK had wanted me to tell you that he wants a baby. One more. With you." And then we talked it out, for like 20 seconds, with me being like "But YOU are the one having the baby, so it's YOUR choice" and she being like "Ooooooh!" and giving me this look like, 'Oh girl, you must be crazy if you think that's how things work around here...'. And then she said "Ah yes, I think a baby could be very nice." And all I could do was smile and tell her I would be around for the delivery if she got pregnant in the next month or so. I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors or her true feelings about having a baby, but it gave me a taste, a sense of how things worked. And I will be sure to let you know if and when Gugu is expecting.
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