Feeling low

After the last post my physical and mental situation did not improve and on seeing my pdoc and another set of blood test results he decided to put me back on a low dose of Venlafaxine. The results for the liver function test were no better (actually a bit higher) and that suggested that it was not the meds causing the odd result. Within a couple of days the feeling of nausea, the tears every evening and the bad stomach each day went. The itching / crawling sensation got better but I still get sometimes. Physically that's a lot better and mentally a bit better. Although its better to not be in tears every night I have always found (from both times going on it) that Venlafaxine seems to stop me being able to cry. Sometimes feeling I am going to be in tears, having the sensation I'm going to but not being able to can be difficult too. Its the lesser of two evils though.

The stopping and partial restarting the meds screwed up my warfarin levels. After four blood tests in 10 days its levelled out again thankfully and I can go two weeks before my next test.

I had my liver scan at the local hospital and the person that did it was really nice. I went it straight away and was out before my appointment was about to start. That was on a Wednesday and my GP sent out a letter on the Friday asking me to make an appointment to see him. Of course the next routine appointment was two weeks later. Originally he had said he would only contact me if there was something found in the scan so going by that statement something must have been found. Then again it could be that nothing was found so he is going to refer me to someone else to see if they can work out whats causing the high readings.

As for the weekly appointment with H.... I definitely feel after today that I am starting to get that want/desire to push them away. Actually seeing her may be 8 - 10 times with out falling out is quite a record for me. I just don't get on with people and the tiniest things reverberate (good word) in my mind till I either dislike or hate them. I don't really feel its of any use anyway as she (the others that work there too) are not professionals. I expect they have some NVQ bits of paper but not real mental health qualifications. Is like going to a first aider and asking them to sew back on your arm you just chopped of with a chainsaw. For instance last week we 'dealt' with self harm by reading through a booklet for half an hour. This week it was removed from the care plan as it was now complete. Am I being too dramatic in thinking its more complicated than that?

Last week she said she would meet me at my place rather than at the organisations office. I did warn her about how overly friendly Lucy was but she said she liked dogs and it would be fine. We also discussed that planning some events in advance was difficult because it means I send a week worrying about it. So I thought we agreed to meet each time and discuss what we were going to do at the start of the session and then do it. I am now kicking myself for not seeing a link between the two, I let my guard down. A perfect example of how my thoughts are pecieved as paranoid, everyones not out to get you, dont over analyse... and so on. I took this at face value, may be as far as being on trust.

So as I have said before my place is a real mess and so I spent the majority of three days getting the things cleaned or hiding things in cupboards and in the bedroom. She knocks on the door and I answer it holding Lucy who is going crazy with excitement and say come in. Her reply was no we are going on a bus into town, to a cafe, filling in a new care plan and getting the bus back, get your coat. I was pissed off because we agreed to talk about it not just be told, that I had to get Lucy to settle and go from super excited to being left which she hates. That it was not contemplated if I actually had any money to do it anyway. Thankfully I had some change which is unusual otherwise that would have been so embarrassing. To top it off we missed the bus back and spent an hour sat waiting for the next bus in the cold. I wanted to walk as its only 25 minutes but it fell on deaf ears.

What she did not get in her you went on the bus well done (and seemingly no thought to how I felt going into a cafe) was that I had a factor that over rode the anxiety. This I have spoken about before and that is anger. Today proved again that anger is a very effective anti anxiety system. That I let my guard down slightly and that serves as a warning to me.