Government’s Comprehensive Spending Review

I picked this up from another blog so its only polite I should give it a quick plug:

The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive

In very basic terms MH charities and in the case of what I am about to say here Rethink are wanting people to add there voice to get the Government to put more money into MH services especially therapy based support. All well and good most people want more money spent somewhere and Im sure lots of different charities and organisations are campaigning to get a bigger slice of the pie, so here is one for MH.

The trouble is and this I have said before although may be not here or at least not all of it. The whole economics issues boils down to limited resources to meet unlimited needs. For every gain in one area another area, department, business, person (something somewhere) will have to lose. I know first hand that MH services have been one of the areas that has been cut back to pay for other areas of the NHS.

On this page at Rethinks site it talks about what they want to see in the spending review. I do agree with some but am rather disguised by the rest. Anyway here is what they say:

Comprehensive Spending Review

The Treasury and Gordon Brown are deciding how Government will spend its money from 2008 to 2011. We must make sure people affected by severe mental illness get their fair share.

What is the Comprehensive Spending Review?
Every three years, Government decides how it will spend its money for the next three years, this time from 2008 until 2011. The Treasury also decides targets, known as Public Service Agreeements, which Government departments must adhere to.

Why does Rethink want change?

Currently, there are no Public Service Agreements which relate to mental health. But we need one to make sure that every department plays its part to improve the lives of people affected by severe mental illness. Taking action mental health should reduce homelessness, high imprisonment rates and unemployment, a winner all round.

We want to see a properly funded anti-stigma campaign. It only costs £3.70 to change one person's mind about mental illness, according to the London School of Economics.

At the moment, someone with mental illness has 10 times less spent on their care than someone with cancer. This is unfair and means that people cannot get the psychological therapies they need and which are proved to be cost effective. Waiting lists are not even kept in many areas and waits of 6 months or more are common. This is unfair - a waiting time target should be established for mental health treatment as well as physical health. We need to talk

Spending more on the health service brings results. Already increased spending on mental health has brough benefits recognised by people who use these services.

What does Rethink want to happen?

We want Treasury to:

* give mental health a bigger increase than other health areas
* start real targets on reducing stigma and social exclusion for people affected by mental illness

Now the quote of the spending gap between someone suffering form cancer and someone with MH difficulties is terrible, shameful and ridiculous. The remarkable thing is when I have discussed spending cuts in the past I have always used the following example. You are in charge of spending at a hospital you have two patients at the door one with cancer and one with MH problems but you can admit one and send one home with tablets. What do you do? I would not hesitate but admit the one with cancer. Its almost like a triage situation where the most ill have to be seen first.

I would also suspect that the costs involved in treating cancer patients would be incredibly high. I have no real knowledge of the costs but tests, surgeries, treatments, drugs, hospital says and out patients would be significant.

I really can not comprehend the type of #$%& that would in anyway compare cancer and MH illness. Yes they are both illnesses and yes both can ruin or end lives but physical illnesses have to come first. What are they looking here a system where you get run down by a car and the hospital says the bad news is we could not afford the surgery on your legs so we cut them off. The good news is we can afford to send you to therapy to help you with the emotional trauma of the crash. What about the mental health of that cancer patient as well!!!

Damn these MH charities get me so annoyed they make my matters worse. I wonder how much of the charities money was spent coming up with all this stuff instead of helping someone.

The next little pearl of wisdom was the anti stigma and that it ONLY costs £3.70 to change one persons mind about mental illness. Only £3.70 is fine if its only a handful of people that need to be educated (change a persons mind is terrible wording) about MH. How many people live in this country? Suddenly that becomes a hell of a lot of money. As much as the whole stigma thing sucks its hardly worth of spending vast amounts of £3.70's on when there are people who need direct help themselves. It wont work anyway because words like mental, psycho disturbed & deranged mind and so on make great headlines and film/TV story lines. The media makes money off those words and themes. That would be the same media as you want to give all those 3.70's to I suppose.

I have said before and recently that there are all these campaigns and charities that spend vast sums on window dressing and hangers on instead of directly helping the people in need. While they are busy up in there ivory towers coming up with this crap the people they supposedly represent slip through the cracks unnoticed. Its charities like this that never campaigned on the ground when services are cut because they get to run the community services that replace them. The more services and members the more they can justify there own salaries. I never give to charities like this because so much get used up by the organisation itself and never gets near the people they are supposed to help.

This is another amazing publication that is more likely to give MH an even worse name. I know this blog is full of errors in punctuation, grammar and spelling but who gives a sh!t, its personal. But if you have to do a campaign then run a bloody spellchecker on what you publish.....

W@&#ers!

Mental wards may do more harm than good | UK | Reuters

Mental wards may do more harm than good | UK | Reuters:

"A move toward community-based care, which has led to the closing of many facilities and fewer beds for patients who most need care, is partly to blame, the Lancet said."

Well I dont think that many people who have mental illness will disagree with the findings of the Lancet medical journal. I included the above quote because that is exactly what I have said about in the area I live. That being the virtual closing of the day hospital and replacing it with a single MH charity under the banner of community services. The service is not for long term use by people referred there and intended that people will move onto work. Which sort of makes the chair of events as GP to Pdoc(if your lucky) - meds - group - work and no types of therapy at all and so its not really surprising that people end up back at the start again. Plus as far as I can tell the group is run by people with no qualification's or even real knowledge of MH. The vast majority that have been to the group have left for one reason or another but not through getting better.

On the subject of the group they sent through a questionnaire which was in the post today. Its only very small but I am not sure if I can control myself enough to fill it in without sarcastic comments or even being quite vicious. Its not like I have not aired my views on more than one occasion even on every level up to the managing director and it was all pointless. If the core of the services has changed from CPN's running groups to help the users get better to a community service with no MH skills being the Governments bitch to get people back to work without trying to help with the original issues any view I give is pointless.

Did get some sleep

I did fall asleep easily on Wednesday with the help of the tablets and slept straight through till Wusey woke me up for her breakfast.

Last night (Thurs) I thought I would try not taking the Zolpidem as it had no effect when I used it on its own and see if just the 50mg of Seroquel would relax me enough to go to sleep. 3am, 4am, 5, 6, 7 and finally at 7:30 I gave up and decided to watch a film. Fed and took Lucy out and then tried to sleep at 9am which I did but woke up two hours later. It looks like neither seem to work on there own so I will have to carry on taking both.

I had to go into town to pick up the food I ordered for Woo and as I walked out of the shop the people who run the group were walking past. It was very awkward and I just said I was fine, some comments were made about the weather and then we separated as it was raining (yeah rain!!)

BBC NEWS | Health | Shy guys 'could face heart risk'

BBC NEWS | Health | Shy guys 'could face heart risk'

Interesting study which has been done over a 30 year period that suggests the shy and less sociable, nervous men were 50% more likely to die from heart attacks or strokes. Not as its a major breakthrough as I thought it was already established stress was not good for the heart.

Yeah got the tablets

Got my prescription now and will be able to sleep tonight. If it was not for having to take Wusey out last thing I would take them now. I set the alarm and tried to get a little sleep between my last post and going to the GP's but at most I drifted off for 20mins.

I finally picked up the courage to read what I wrote last night. Well I would not have said those things if not for the state I was in but its all true. I found it amusing that I put I will write about how things started another time and then a paragraph later I wrote it, although in a condensed version.

On a remarkable side note going back to the prescription on of the tablets was still not on there but its one I keep forgetting to take so I have quite a few here to last me a while. Its a three times daily dose and nine times out of ten I forget the middle dose and occasionally the last one.

Never went to sleep

I never went to sleep in the end, I took the sleeping tablet but obviously not the seroquel as I have none and the tablet on its own did absolutely nothing. Its coming up to 1pm now and I have recently got back for taking Wusey on a walk of about 3miles. It was great, hardly any people anywhere if only it was always like that. She was pretty good on the lead but she never got much sleep last night as she never really settled with me being awake. She is flat out now though!

I will have to read my post from last night because I have not got a clue what I said. I only vaguely remember writing one and also a comment on another blog. I just checked that out and to be honest it was not bad considering I was rather inebriated.

Yesterday was a really shitty day. The panic attack in the day, the tears most of the night, no sleep and some bad scratches on both my arms which are stinging like a right bitch I must have done at some stage. I have also run out of Jack Daniels as apparently I drank the rest of it last night.

I think I could actually fall asleep now which is annoying as I have to go out around 4pm to get that prescription. I dont like being out from 3-5pm as local schools and college all finish at staggered times during that period. Lots of kids and parents although it really the teenagers which are by far the worst. On that note I caught another one of the areas how to talk to your children parenting tips the other day..... "Your getting on my nerves, fucking shut up!" it was bellowed at great volume.

Tears of mistakes and loss

Just coming around from a really 'teary episode' as they seem to call them. Its 5:30am and not at all tired due to the missing meds. I was watching a couple of programs and reading around the net when I started to get a slide show in my mind of my last holiday with my ex. That was just before Christmas 2002.

Well after that was a pretty much major decent in the relationship until it ended in October 2003.

It was obvious and that when I started on the antidepressants and the anxiety started to get worse. No one knew what was going on and so the whole family was shocked when I phoned and said its over she left and has been seeing someone else. She went for a week and then her parents stepped in to say I had to leave her home. She paid me for most of the furniture I had bought as all this happened just after I had finally finished decorating and gardening which was a mammoth task. I wounder so much how my garden that I spent many many hours turning from a wilderness into what was possibly very nice. A fish pond, little tree and bush area with wood chipping going into pebbles and ornamental grasses. I also just planted a herb garden which I was excited about. Turned the grass from an uneven sprawl of weeks and wild grass into the makings of a nice lawn.

Painted the bathroom, tiled the floor, repainted the bed room in her colours (I was not keep on pink but whatever she wanted). Got all the bedroom furniture in place. Changed some of the furniture in the lounge and did some stenciling to match the curtains I put up. Redid most of the kitchen, new units, cupboard doors, work surface, taps, fridge and freezer, never finished the floor though. It was looking so good.

3 months before what would be the separation she came to me with a list of demands to save the relationship. I did all of them and never complained when she kept pushing those demands further forward. 3 weeks before split day we were going to get a dog but I said there is no point if things are not working and getting better between us. It was agreed things were better and we got a little puppy we named Lucy. (Thats why it was so ironic that I got a dog this year and she was already named Lucy) . I would love to know what that little Lucy grew up into and how she is. She was really the first ever dog of mine and yet it was taken along with everything else. Three weeks on I fell asleep but spent most of the night in tears. I picked her up from work and as she got in she looked at two of her closest friends and they all nodded. I could see the secret symbol and new what was about to happen.

It was only a few moments after getting home she said you were crying last night and you know dont you. Yes I did. She said I had done more than what she asked but did not love me anymore and we should split up to get on with our lives. Get on with our lives! There is someone else isnt there? ......Yes....... That when I fell apart completely. I was told that you cant use the term nervous breakdown anymore by a CPN but the term gives you an idea of what happened. I managed to compose myself long enough to call sister#2 boyfriend to raise the family air raid siren.

I crouched in a corner between two units and just freaked out. I started hitting my surroundings and punching myself. She grabbed a couple of items and walked out. I was totally @&*#ed no other way of putting it. I punched a couple of holes in the bedroom door. The following week was a blur. Between the varying drugs I was given to tide me over till my very first pdoc appointment. Valium was one and also Chlorpromazine for a while by the emergency GP service when I moved on a Saturday. I took my clothes, computer, a couple of ornaments and pictures and the stereo (to this day I have never turned that stazzer on). She said the bed was mine but there is no way I could sleep in that bed again.

I couple of weeks later I saw a pdoc for the first time and the bloke was a total dick and made me worse. His team leader took over and wanted to admit me to hospital but there were no beds. He gave me a change of antidepressants and tranquilisers and sent home. After the weekend there were still no beds so again with the DIY care at home.

NB Apparently one of the two wards have been shut down (2006 ish) now so thats half the beds gone and there were not enough before.

A supposed friend of mine called to tell me someone was now taking Lucy the puppy out for walks and was in a relationship with her. That piece of information although I already assumed it was not what I wanted to hear. That sent me back further into a psychotic state. Apparently I was jumping around so much on my bed it looked like I was levitating. At the same time crying and calling for my ex. I dont remember any of this. My parents and sister phone the GP's and emergency pdocs and neither wanted to come out. In the end it was the GP because of the concern on heart race and temperature. I was given Chlorpromazine again and left to my own devices.

The Gp said someone should help monitor my tablets and doses but neither of my parents did. Even in my messed up tranquilised state I still had to do that. Not as I still dont get in a mess today with my medication cocktail.

I was back at my parents caught back in between them like being dropped in the dmz between North and S Korea.

Eventually with the social workers help I had at the time I got this flat. Having no garden is a blessing and a curse. Its hard with my Wusey as every time I take her to go to the toilet it means either the postage stamp sized grass in front of the house or usually the nearest park. Having know fenced of garden means I have to walk her myself to get her exercise each day and cant get her to run around the garden. The positive side is I am not coping with the house work let alone a garden to so better of with out one with that regard. I think of the garden I had before and all the back breaking work I put into it and never got to enjoy any of it.

Words can not describe how much I miss her. It was a romantic tale from day one which may be I will tell another day when I cant sleep and am totally wasted on cider and my mate jack daniels. The two most loyal friends you can get are Jack and imaginary friends the rest will screw you over or break your heart.

Its now 6:30 and still not tired, God please give me some seroquel just one????????!!!!!!!!!

The sadest thing which I have never told anyone is that during that holiday I was making plans to ask her to marry me. At the time I could not afford a ring and then just after I was starting to get the feeling things were not going in the right direction. I wanted to ask her during dinner or even in the evening show where many other would be watching and I could say to the world (or at least those present) how much I love her. As it turned out its a good job I never had the money for a nice ring.

This turned into a long post which could have just be a couple of words: I miss you so much *****!

The girl I silently was in love with from first sight and remained so for 4 years while she met dated and married and then divorced who was my best friend. After 4 years things happened between us but a few months later she went back to her ex husband breaking my heart beyond measure. 4 months later and a year on to the day we had got together the first time she told me she had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Of course I did not care about anything including the warnings from people saying she has done it three times now she will do it again to you. I love her, its a simple as that. Then three years on virtually to the day that she left me the first time she did it again and that has emotionally crippled me ever since.

Yeah so here I am spilling my guts out thanks to cider and Jack Daniels. I am not the most masculine of men and believed in all that house and white picket fence stuff. But its all gone and now I am this incredibly bitter person who hates everyone while being totally lost and bemused by this civilisation that we as a species have created. I dont fit in here, anywhere I wish when I was ill either completely physcotic I had done something to myself or when I had those blood clots that I had died. I have never fitted in and yet I had a glimpse of everything I wanted and it all was snatched away through her actions and me being a mental @&*# up. Now its all gone, everything is gone and yet it still lives everyday in my sh!tty mind.

I miss her so much.

7am, God I need some @&*#ing tablets!!!!!!!!

Prescription problems

Finally its Tuesday and my prescription would be ready. As I wrote before my pdoc put the seroquel back up as I was not sleeping very well. He asked if I needed a prescription there and then but I was too scared and embarrassed to say yes even though I did. I knew I had to put in a repeat prescription anyway at the GP's so would wait till that was done. Today I went down to get it but the scripts only had half the medications I needed. Of course one of the ones missing from the script was the seroquel (the only one I had completely run out of too), just my luck.

I went to the pharmacy to get what was listed and I was waiting over 30 minutes and they were not even that busy. I stood against the back trying to keep out of sight but started to get very panicky. Hands were shaking, rapid breathing, sweat was pouring out like a river, I spent some of the time using the handles of a wheel chair on display to stop myself from falling to the floor. I tried to keep focused on something on the shelves which can help.

Eventually I got my medication and then had to go back into the GP's. I asked if there was another script as there was lots of items missing. Unfortunately there was not. Although of course if there was another I would have had to go back to the pharmacy and go through all that again. I tried to explain that items were missing and that I definitely included them as I remember writing the dose changes by my pdoc and that the repeat scripts would need updating. I was really scared and felt I had to justify myself in case she thought I was lying. Lots of paranoid thoughts. I filled in another repeats form and she said she would get it signed for tomorrow afternoon (usually it takes 48 hours).

By the time I started walking home I was becoming a real mess. I was breathing rapidly which was causing me to feel light headed, my neck was hurting, the sort of pain you get after running and end up gasping for breath and your pulse is racing. My hands were shaking with pins and needles in my fingers. My eyesight started to go a little weird. Things were looking sharper, more in focus and brighter just like when you get a new pair of glasses from the optician and suddenly things look like they been enhanced. At the same time things not directly in front seemed more blurry. I would not go as far as saying tunnel vision but that sort of thing. By the time I got home I was feeling like I had run a marathon, my T-shirt was soaking wet and I was starting to get fuzzy spots in front of me like the start of a migraine (thankfully no migraine!) Most of the way back I was struggling to stay on my feet and as soon as I got home I sat down before I fell down.

The sensations were similar to when I had blood clots in my lungs. The remarkable thing is if I said I had PE's and felt like that people would more likely say how terrible I must of felt. On the other hand saying I was suffering anxiety and having a panic attack would people be do understanding? I doubt it very much. A choice between the two and I would say the PE's were no where near so bad even though life threatening and more physically painful.

Its been a while since I have felt that much anxiety which felt like a giant step backwards. I am feeling so drained now. Again with the marathon simile but it sucks every drop of energy out of you when you are fighting to keep walking (or even standing up) to get to a 'safe place' again.

Now I have got to go to the pharmacy gain tomorrow and I am already worrying about it. As for sleeping tonight I think I will dig out one of my old meds to take instead of the seroquel. I said previously that my fear which makes me say the quickest and easiest thing to get out of the situation always causes more problems in the end. This certainly has.

Phone call from group

This actually happened on Friday but I was too annoyed to post about it at the time. Thankfully I was out with Wusey at the time but when I got back there was a message on the answer phone. It was from the group's staff and I say staff (plural) as it was one to speak and I could hear the other in the background prompting on what to say (how many support staff does it take to make a phone call?) It was to say some talk was happening today about a course being run by someone for people with mental health issues. A previous thing was advertised in the local paper before.

What was really annoying was in the review I had to do with the group (its not called a review but if I say the exact term it may pin point the 'group' involved) one of the questions was, can we contact you and how would you prefer to be contacted? I specifically said that I did not want to be phoned as I am not at all comfortable with phone calls. I said email was the best way to contact me. Yet again what I said was completely ignored! What the hell is the point in having to answer the bloody questions, which I did not want to do but told I had no choice, if none of it is actually used anyway? This is a similar thing to what happened during the last time I attended the group and I posted about that day.

The hope your alright and will see you monday was said in such a way you could almost feel the stomach churning head splitting pain the person was in while saying it. Of course look at the bloody review and you will see that I was not fine then and sure as sh!t not now.

Its just yet more bureaucratic window dressing bull sh!t which causes more stress at the time, gives a faint glimmer of hope what is said will be taken seriously and acted on to just end up knowing that they really dont give a flying #&*@!

I did try and explain to my pdoc in the letter I wrote my feelings about the group which was not easy without swearing. I really censor myself here but felt compelled to further in the letter. The best I could come up with to convey my sentiments was:

......at the abysmally, annoying and depressive hell hole that is xxxxxxx mention in passing their diagnosis. Not as I want to share with them or the muppets that are supposed to providing a valuable service. My dentist is more helpful and supportive than what xxxxxxxx has! The entire organisation needs to be encased in concrete and dropped in the North Sea, relocated to Iraq or banished to the lowest depth of hell. Staff included, which is probably where they originated anyway........

The whole thing is window dressing. The NHS Trust cuts all the other services and has just this one as on paper they are providing a service to us mentally ill wasters. The organisation so they have a bigger reason to justify the 400K the top people earn between them (let alone all the hangers on) and the glossy publications which are window dressing taken to a whole new level. They say how they are campaigning for people with mental health issues but that is at odds with the fact the NHS pays them to provide services in many places nationwide. How critical are they really going to be and go against Government, NHS Trust, Social Services and so on when they are keen to keep the contacts they have. Its impossible to say your fighting against organisations and departments policies in one hand and yet taking money in the other. Are they really going to campaign that much and bite the hand that feeds them? Of course not, thats why there was no interest or word when the mental health services were all cut it was to their benefit. I did mention this to the group staff the one day and I got no response but a look of horror. I may have mental health issues but Im not stupid, well not entirely anyway.

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Nigeria kidnappers free UK girl

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Nigeria kidnappers free UK girl

I mentioned this the other day and thankfully it has ended quickly and the girl has been released. What I can not understand is that the father is going to stay in Nigeria.

He said he would continue to live in Nigeria for the time being -but that he and his family would probably take a holiday.

"I live here and I work here and I've been in Africa since 1973," he said.

"Just because people get mad, they kidnap the children. It's very worrying but things have got to get better - they can't get worse.

"If it frightens everybody away, the whole country will be empty."

I can not comprehend how a parent can be so blase about what has happened. 'It cant get any worse' it could have easily been a hell of a lot worse and the situation in Nigeria as bad as it is could get worse. No matter how bad things are they can still always go downhill.

The Sun Online - Football: Eriksson: My year of hell

The Sun Online - Football: Eriksson: My year of hell

Only really the opening two paragraphs were of interest, I never read the rest.

SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON claims he has just suffered the most stressful year of his life.

Bizarre that, considering he has spent it in his luxurious lakeside Swedish home taking buckets of cash from the FA — around £3.5million to be precise.

I am not saying Sven was really stressed or not but its a nice little story on how people assume if you have money you are going to be happy. Its easy to think that especially if you are struggling financially. If you broke a leg but were given a load of money the next day would that mean you no longer had a broken leg? The fact of the matter was Sven was not content because he was not doing what he enjoyed and under stimulated. A reactive type response.

The same can be said of people with mental illness being thrust into a lakeside home with lots of money. It may bring on a lift in mood, euphoria and so on but most sufferers would slip back to depression. If anything it gives more funds to fuel the demons of drink, drugs and so on.

Not as I like the word stress it should be banned it has lost all meaning like many others. Its an article from the Sun so you cant expect to much, saw it on google news.

Comments a re-examination

When I started this blog I spent a long time, probably too long, deciding what to do with comments. At the time I decided to allow comments but with moderation. I was concerned on many levels (as per usual) and some of those concerns are starting to gain some ground although I admit I am not overly sure if thats just in my mind or reality.

I have been fortunate that all of the comments have been good in one way or another and even raised a smile, so thank you for that. One of the problems is that I feel like I should comment back to other blogs and many times I do want to say something. Other times I am just feeling compelled to try and comment back. Either way spending anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes trying to work out what to say or how to say it is not helping me. The you get that tit for tat, are they replying to me because I replied to them? Do I reply to a reply? What if I dont comment or reply what are they going to think. What if I have more than one comment and respond to one will the others get upset I never responded to them? I bet they dont want to comment but they feel compelled to. On and on it goes.

Then there is the issue that I get easily upset and can take things the wrong way when I over analyse each word. Given that I fall out with everyone with in a short period of time and I dont want that to happen. I know part of me pushes people away that I like (classic defence mechanism) which is not always done in a nice way and the rest I end up hating. Again yes I know I do this because I constantly view and analyse my own actions. I lie awake at night deep in thought but that does not mean I can change it.

Anyway I have seen, thought, envisioned and run through a few scenarios after a couple of things internally and externally have sounded the alarm bells and left me scrambling for cover. I am a firm believer in that the past dictates the future. The route of like, find some issue, push away is a well trodden path. I am the epitome of the cliche 'damaged goods' and I have a record of bringing more misery to people whom I am in contact with. Like some sort of contagious carrier of a misery, despair and bad fortune plague.

So to avoid as many of these issues as possible I am going to turn of commenting and do my best to avoid commenting elsewhere for the good of all concerned.

Another family dog dies

Just found out that sister#1 has had to have one of her dogs put to sleep today. She was worried the dog was acting strangely and disorientated and the vet said it had a tumour in its neck and up to her brain. The vet said they could try and operate but would almost guarantee she would die on the operating table. If they did nothing she would only live about 5 days and be in ever greater pain. The best option for her was to be PTS.

Thats now five dogs in under 12 months that have either died naturally or had to be PTS. Obviously they are very upset as is sister#2 who was close to her too. I only really saw her a couple of times and the last was may be 2 years ago so its sad but not like when my mums dog died.

I know how my sister#1 feels and it hurts badly.

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Three-year-old seized in Nigeria

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Three-year-old seized in Nigeria

A very bad story which can find its roots in greed and oil which is a major theme in the world we live in. Its ironic that nearly a month to the day another story was published at the BBC headlined 'Leave Niger Delta, Britons urged'. As the father is British it is a terrible shame he either could not or did not follow the advice of the Foreign Office.

There seems to be a fairly positive tone in many of the articles that she will be returned and I truly hope she does. I cant imagine whats going through her mind and I hope she will be freed and moved to a safer place and that she is young enough not to be mentally scarred by this.

I can vagly remember watching a documentary some time ago about countries and I know Africa was included so chances Nigeria was featured. A country whose people should be prospering with the oil production but as normal its the corporations and selected few that benefit and the rest continue to live in poverty. I wonder how many lives of suffering and death is equal to a barrel of oil?

Saw the doc yesterday

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. He did thank me for the letter I wrote and said it was helpful and could help get a better understanding of whats in my mind. I said he would write out a care plan which would include a diagnosis that I can use in benefit reviews or other medical people ask. I hope he does keep to his word on this.

He put my seroquel/quetiapine back to 50mg at night as that helps me to sleep for longer as the 25mg was not working. I take zolpidem to get me to sleep but it only last 3-4 hours where as the seroquel as well last about 7-8. He also suggested taking another 25mg in the day as it may help reduce the anger (as long as I was not driving). Thats basically back to how it was before. He asked about the liver function and I told him nothing has been said and I have not had another blood test.

At some point he said how I slept better while on Mertazapine. That was true but all I wanted to do was sleep and eat, could hardly keep my eyes open all day and could not stop eating. Thankfully he never suggested it.

Could not really get through to him about the group problems or the fact its been a similar issues in any type of group for a long time. He keeps saying its good to tell them what I am not happy about and that the world needs more people who will voice their opinions. I can not get it through to him that voicing my opinion with the way I feel will come out in an extremely bad way. Thankfully I have enough restraint not to but its easy to understand how someone could do something extreme to get there point across.

Mentioned the fact that I was drinking and SI more. He asked how much and agreed that it was excessive. However he said we would talk about that another time, come back in six weeks. I will say that a six week gap between appointments is actually short. I dont know what other areas of the UK are like or overseas for time frames. Usually its 3-4 months which is horrendously long especially when there is no other social worker or CPN type professional to see in between. He said in that 6 weeks I 'might' get a letter with his diagnosis.

He also asked if I needed any more seroquel and I got all scared and embarrassed and said no even though I have hardly got any. I am going order a repeat prescription of everything tomorrow when I have my blood test but I will not get that till next Tuesday. So I will have to stick with just 25mg till then as I dont have enough for the 50mg. Amazing how many times I get over anxious and just say yes or no (which ever is the quickest answer or path of least resistance to get out of the situation) and it causes more issues in the long term.

I was worrying about my benefits review as I had sent the form off two months ago and heard nothing. Previously the response time was always quick so I was beginning to think my forms my not have got there. I eventually got through to someone who was extremely nice and he said that they did get the forms and it was with there medical people for a decision. As nice as he was by the end of the phone call my legs and arms were shaking all over the place. The process seems to have slowed down a lot since it all became under 'job centre plus' which does not help the anxiety. I am really worrying about being called for an interview/medical or what ever they are called now.

That was about it. Got to give Lucy her dinner she should have had it 40mins ago and she is not very happy!

BBC NEWS | England | North Yorkshire | Folic acid 'reduces depression'

BBC NEWS | England | North Yorkshire | Folic acid 'reduces depression'

Yeah a slice of bread and we shall all be cured. With that previous article on how a thirty minute walk will beat depression one can only assume eating a sandwich while walking will be the most amazingly happy orgasmic experience one could hope for. May be a touch of cynicism and sarcasm has crept into this little post.

Soaked again

Not much to say really. Took Wusey for a walk and got caught in the rain yet again! We were only a minute from home but it just came down in bucket loads and in that minute we were soaked.

Never went to the group again, not sure if I am now entering the fourth week since going. I was half expecting an email from them but thankfully nothing yet. I had to go into town anyway as I was low on electricity credit and had to pay some rent money. The usual place for electricity credit was closed for refurbishment which caused a bit of a problem. I went to the post office to pay the rent and wanted to ask if they did it there. Unfortunately I have been trying to ask for two and a half years and I still could not pluck up the courage today. How pathetic I am. I know the other news agent in town dont do it or at least they never when I tried. Why I got so panicky and embarrassed when they said they dont do that type I have no idea but it has left a big paranoid scar to ask again. I had to go out of town to another little shop which I know does that type of leccy credit.

That reminds me of a little story when I was getting some leccy once before. I was waiting nervously behind someone in a queue worrying about every conceivable bad thing that could occur. Checking over and over that I had the right card and money and reciting the '£10 on there please' words I needed to say in my mind. Anyway I looked to my left and saw this bloke and my only thought, being the judging person I am was 'look at that ugly ....) well I wont say the precise word but most women refer to it as the worst you can say. Anyway it took a second or two till I realised it was a mirror I was looking at and of course it was me! Honestly a true story.

Inside, outside, every side I hate being me.

The photo is of Lucy a month or so ago asleep with one of her plush toys. Its a duck and imaginatively named 'Ducky', she also has a teddy bear who has an equally inventive name of 'teddy bear'. She prefers the teddy bear though, I will put one of those photos up one of the days.