Feeling bloody terrible

Have not posted in a while as I have been feeling bad, very low and keeping a very low profile. Today has been a terrible day.....

We are back around to Sept/Oct which is a terrible time for me. My obbession with living in the past and now I am onto four tears ago this month. The trouble is it feels as raw now as it did back then. I spent most of the day in bed. I got out only because of my dog Lucy to feed her and take her out. Unusally I slept most of the day and had so many bad dreams. Both the past and crazy nightmares like the ones where you think you have woke up but you have not and the nightmare continues, then dreaming again your awake but finding out the nightmare is repeating. Truely a horrible experiance at the best of times.

Tonight the phone kept ringing. I did not recognise the number so never answered it. The third time I was fed up with it rining and answered it. Tio my shock and horror it was sister#1. At 11pm I had her going on about her bad day and my parents arguing and had the whole lot dumped on me. Its not like I am unware I lived through it for the majority of 30 years and I am sure its part of the reason I am a #&*@ up. I was feeling so bad and yet just managing to keep control till she phoned. Now it 5am and I broke tonight worse than I have in months. Lots of cider and my forearm which has only just healed again covered in scratches and blood. I have cried for so so long and no-one to talk to.

My dog Lucy has been great but now its so late she has gone into the other room to sleep. She has looked so worried and kept nudging me and licking my face. She lay in my lap while I combed her trying, I was trying concentrate on that. But in the end I succumbed to the power of SI although even the pain of that has not helped. I have taken some extra Quetiapine and turned to this blog as my only source of release. Already I can feel the tablets taking affect and calming me. I wish I would have had the forethought to have taken some earlier maybe straight after the phone call. I was so scared of falling asleep in case my dreams continued again but it cant be worse than how I feel now both mentally and physically in pain.

May be its a cliche but I can hear the rain pouring outside and I feel like going out there and just sitting out in it. May be hopeing it will wash away my pains. I know Lucy would freak out through so I wont do that.

I doubt in the morning I will remember half of this it wont be till I feel the pain in my arm and see the smears of blood on the bed spread will I realise how low I have dropped. But who can I tell? The answer again is no-one. The only one who would understand is sister#2 and she has enough of her own issues and she would go tits that sis#1 called me. My pdoc another 3 weeks till I see him and I am to proud (if thats the right word) to call in between times. There is nobody to tell and so it will just rattle around in my head and cause some more damage.

I am having more and more difficulty hitting the right keys so with luck the sleeping tablet and the Quetiapine will knock me out like a dose of anaesthetic any moment. I will close here before I keel over (which incidentally I have done more than once) and wake up lying on my laptop with all the light still on.