Tears of mistakes and loss

Just coming around from a really 'teary episode' as they seem to call them. Its 5:30am and not at all tired due to the missing meds. I was watching a couple of programs and reading around the net when I started to get a slide show in my mind of my last holiday with my ex. That was just before Christmas 2002.

Well after that was a pretty much major decent in the relationship until it ended in October 2003.

It was obvious and that when I started on the antidepressants and the anxiety started to get worse. No one knew what was going on and so the whole family was shocked when I phoned and said its over she left and has been seeing someone else. She went for a week and then her parents stepped in to say I had to leave her home. She paid me for most of the furniture I had bought as all this happened just after I had finally finished decorating and gardening which was a mammoth task. I wounder so much how my garden that I spent many many hours turning from a wilderness into what was possibly very nice. A fish pond, little tree and bush area with wood chipping going into pebbles and ornamental grasses. I also just planted a herb garden which I was excited about. Turned the grass from an uneven sprawl of weeks and wild grass into the makings of a nice lawn.

Painted the bathroom, tiled the floor, repainted the bed room in her colours (I was not keep on pink but whatever she wanted). Got all the bedroom furniture in place. Changed some of the furniture in the lounge and did some stenciling to match the curtains I put up. Redid most of the kitchen, new units, cupboard doors, work surface, taps, fridge and freezer, never finished the floor though. It was looking so good.

3 months before what would be the separation she came to me with a list of demands to save the relationship. I did all of them and never complained when she kept pushing those demands further forward. 3 weeks before split day we were going to get a dog but I said there is no point if things are not working and getting better between us. It was agreed things were better and we got a little puppy we named Lucy. (Thats why it was so ironic that I got a dog this year and she was already named Lucy) . I would love to know what that little Lucy grew up into and how she is. She was really the first ever dog of mine and yet it was taken along with everything else. Three weeks on I fell asleep but spent most of the night in tears. I picked her up from work and as she got in she looked at two of her closest friends and they all nodded. I could see the secret symbol and new what was about to happen.

It was only a few moments after getting home she said you were crying last night and you know dont you. Yes I did. She said I had done more than what she asked but did not love me anymore and we should split up to get on with our lives. Get on with our lives! There is someone else isnt there? ......Yes....... That when I fell apart completely. I was told that you cant use the term nervous breakdown anymore by a CPN but the term gives you an idea of what happened. I managed to compose myself long enough to call sister#2 boyfriend to raise the family air raid siren.

I crouched in a corner between two units and just freaked out. I started hitting my surroundings and punching myself. She grabbed a couple of items and walked out. I was totally @&*#ed no other way of putting it. I punched a couple of holes in the bedroom door. The following week was a blur. Between the varying drugs I was given to tide me over till my very first pdoc appointment. Valium was one and also Chlorpromazine for a while by the emergency GP service when I moved on a Saturday. I took my clothes, computer, a couple of ornaments and pictures and the stereo (to this day I have never turned that stazzer on). She said the bed was mine but there is no way I could sleep in that bed again.

I couple of weeks later I saw a pdoc for the first time and the bloke was a total dick and made me worse. His team leader took over and wanted to admit me to hospital but there were no beds. He gave me a change of antidepressants and tranquilisers and sent home. After the weekend there were still no beds so again with the DIY care at home.

NB Apparently one of the two wards have been shut down (2006 ish) now so thats half the beds gone and there were not enough before.

A supposed friend of mine called to tell me someone was now taking Lucy the puppy out for walks and was in a relationship with her. That piece of information although I already assumed it was not what I wanted to hear. That sent me back further into a psychotic state. Apparently I was jumping around so much on my bed it looked like I was levitating. At the same time crying and calling for my ex. I dont remember any of this. My parents and sister phone the GP's and emergency pdocs and neither wanted to come out. In the end it was the GP because of the concern on heart race and temperature. I was given Chlorpromazine again and left to my own devices.

The Gp said someone should help monitor my tablets and doses but neither of my parents did. Even in my messed up tranquilised state I still had to do that. Not as I still dont get in a mess today with my medication cocktail.

I was back at my parents caught back in between them like being dropped in the dmz between North and S Korea.

Eventually with the social workers help I had at the time I got this flat. Having no garden is a blessing and a curse. Its hard with my Wusey as every time I take her to go to the toilet it means either the postage stamp sized grass in front of the house or usually the nearest park. Having know fenced of garden means I have to walk her myself to get her exercise each day and cant get her to run around the garden. The positive side is I am not coping with the house work let alone a garden to so better of with out one with that regard. I think of the garden I had before and all the back breaking work I put into it and never got to enjoy any of it.

Words can not describe how much I miss her. It was a romantic tale from day one which may be I will tell another day when I cant sleep and am totally wasted on cider and my mate jack daniels. The two most loyal friends you can get are Jack and imaginary friends the rest will screw you over or break your heart.

Its now 6:30 and still not tired, God please give me some seroquel just one????????!!!!!!!!!

The sadest thing which I have never told anyone is that during that holiday I was making plans to ask her to marry me. At the time I could not afford a ring and then just after I was starting to get the feeling things were not going in the right direction. I wanted to ask her during dinner or even in the evening show where many other would be watching and I could say to the world (or at least those present) how much I love her. As it turned out its a good job I never had the money for a nice ring.

This turned into a long post which could have just be a couple of words: I miss you so much *****!

The girl I silently was in love with from first sight and remained so for 4 years while she met dated and married and then divorced who was my best friend. After 4 years things happened between us but a few months later she went back to her ex husband breaking my heart beyond measure. 4 months later and a year on to the day we had got together the first time she told me she had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Of course I did not care about anything including the warnings from people saying she has done it three times now she will do it again to you. I love her, its a simple as that. Then three years on virtually to the day that she left me the first time she did it again and that has emotionally crippled me ever since.

Yeah so here I am spilling my guts out thanks to cider and Jack Daniels. I am not the most masculine of men and believed in all that house and white picket fence stuff. But its all gone and now I am this incredibly bitter person who hates everyone while being totally lost and bemused by this civilisation that we as a species have created. I dont fit in here, anywhere I wish when I was ill either completely physcotic I had done something to myself or when I had those blood clots that I had died. I have never fitted in and yet I had a glimpse of everything I wanted and it all was snatched away through her actions and me being a mental @&*# up. Now its all gone, everything is gone and yet it still lives everyday in my sh!tty mind.

I miss her so much.

7am, God I need some @&*#ing tablets!!!!!!!!